23 April 2011
Food Ramblings #1
Potatoes. Common as air, and about as joyless of an eating experience. Of course, when you pile on the cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, chives, and butter it's another story. It does make me wonder if something else should come with my steak, though. Like french fries or an angioplasty. Cauliflower is another one. I love broccoli, but cauliflower is essentially an albino broccoli that grows in dark, damp places, like sewers. So what do you do with it? Cheese. Once you have significantly more cheese than cauliflower, it becomes food and is okay to eat in small amounts should your survival be at stake. It is a little known fact that most cauliflower is foraged by people who get lost in the sewer - so if you plan on doing any traveling under ground, don't be the guy who forgets cheese. And try to avoid the mole people, they will try to sell you useless crap. Last time I thought I'd scored a deal, but when I got to the surface I realized it was Problem Child 2.
I won't even start down the road of tofurkey or any other meat substitute. Eating something doesn't make it food. A table leg can be eaten, as one end of my dog has demonstrated - but, as the other end later proved, it isn't a viable (or sustainable) food source. Give me the real thing - be it chicken, beef, pork. Unless I'm at McDonald's, in which case I'll have two of whatever that McRib thing is. As is far too often the case, I'm with Mitch Hedberg...somebody needs to tell the turkeys to just be themselves. Beef is for burgers. Turkeys are for giving kindergarteners something to do with construction paper and hand tracings. They shouldn't be moonlighting (or is it sunlighting?) as beef or sausage, mostly because it leaves the door open for tofu to play dress up with their feathers. Ron Swanson has a picture in his office of bacon and eggs (see below) - because breakfast is the most important three meals of the day - and you can bet a rat's mustache it's not turkey bacon on that plate.